The Fan Thank You Heather Bailey Wished She Never Recieved

It's been over two weeks ago, but Sewing Summit was amazing.

The final minutes of the conference were somewhat grotesque, or I guess I was grotesque.

I have never really met a celebrity.
 Heather Bailey was the key-note speaker, and as I was getting ready to leave, I noticed the line of her fans getting pictures with her across the room was dwindling to nothing.  I had to leave to start the trek home, but thought on my way out, I needed to thank her for her speech.

I walked over there, planning just to say: "Thanks for what you said tonight, it was what I needed to hear." and walk away and go home.

So.
I walk up to the amazing, tall, sewing celebrity and got about "I just wanted to tell you how much I appreci...ated..{cry voice}.what..{sniff}...you..{tear}said. {full out horrible sobbing with Clair Danes-ugly-cry- face} tonight."  WHAT THE CRAP???  Heather was so nice, "are you OK?" she asks as I wipe my eyes and nose with my huge man hand, all the while thinking "abort! abort!  what am I doing?  Why the crap can't I stop crying???"  I tried to explain, but the crying is starting to gush and I can barely talk.  She was really great and kind, and I just stammered some dumb things and said thanks and kind of left, apologizing and completely embarrassed.  I can't imagine how awkward it would be to have a total stranger come up and just break down for no reason and then leave.  I hope she could forget the blubbering weirdo in a cobalt velvet jacket, but I think that interaction may be hard to forget anytime soon.

So the reason behind my Heather Bailey blubbering.
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Womanhood is sacrifice.

My husband and I were married young.  I met him when I was 18 my freshman year of college and it seemed the heaven's aligned to bring us together and we were married the following summer, I was 19 years old.  He's a few years older, so when he graduated with his bachelors degree I graduated my associates degree.  He chose to further his education, and so I quit college to support us while he went to school--we lived in a rotting farmhouse while I worked nights...details of rotting ground hog pups under our bed here.  Education and academics had always been important to me, so it was hard to quit, but we definitely couldn't afford for both of us to be in school and someone had to support our little family.

Fast forward to this spring he finally graduated, we now have 3 kids.  I've survived the sacrifice of being a mother with a really busy husband through blogging, sewing, learning to build furniture and creating.  We moved to a tiny desert town this summer.  Only one stop light tiny.  My husband had mentioned it might be a good time for me to go back to school now he was finally done.   In August I attended my 10 year high school reunion and thought of how motivated I was in high school academically, and here I was a decade later and hadn't even finished a bachelors degree.  A state university has a distance site in our town a few blocks away. So this August I went back to college.

It's kicking my trash.

My brain is out of shape.  My last college course was 7 years ago.  I'm taking upper division statistics and my last math class was 11 years ago--AP Calculus my junior year of high school.  These last weeks have been crazy trying to do homework, get my class ready for Sewing Summit, decorate my husband's new office,  and fulfill teaching assignments at my church, and of course taking care of my family.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to pursue my education, for myself and to set an example for my kids, but it has been really challenging.  A few nights trying to remember calculus in order to complete a statistics assignment I was just sitting there crying out of frustration, stress, lack of sleep, etc.  So something needs to give.

For almost a year I've been deciding whether or not I should stop blogging.  I'm a hobby blogger, I've been blogging for around 6 years and it's not a business.  I started this blog to share photos with my mom when we lived in that rotting farm house. Essentially all these years later, I still blog for the same reasons, just to share ideas with other people who might be interested and to selfishly document my creative life.  I got the chance to take a blogging/ social media class taught by Tauni Everett at Sewing Summit and kind of felt embarrassed for having blogged over half a decade, and to realize just how crappy I am at the blogging side of things.  Having three kids has also rocked my world (Izzie is 9 months this week) and just killing the blog has been something I've been considering for months in order to simplify my life, but then going back to school made me decide it's time for another sacrifice.

Motherhood trashes your body, your sleep, your memory, your time, and some days your sanity.  But like any sacrifice, the definition of the word indicates you give something good for something better.  So to be able to be a student mom for the next two years, I realized giving up blogging also needed to be giving up sewing and creating in general.

I was obligated to teach at Sewing Summit, and my beloved Bernina sewing machine is on its last leg.  I had to sew things as I was drafting my pattern, so I bought an affordable machine as a backup in case mine tanked, and never opened the box so I could return it if I didn't use it.

My plan:
Sewing Summit would be my last creative venture for the next few years.  I left for Salt Lake with the plan to enjoy the weekend as much as I could, then come home, return the back up sewing machine, pack up all my fabric and supplies, say goodbye to blogging and be grateful I got the chance to meet some of the actual women who had inspired me all these years right before I shut it all down.

As much as I love sewing, creating, and sharing it on my blog, I value education and feel its important for myself and as an example for my kids that I earn my degree. Things have just not been working with so much on my plate. Classes take what "personal" time I have, and there's no room for anything creative.  I just felt nothing in my life was being done well, being stretched too thin made everything suffer.

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So sitting there in ballroom B at the end of a really amazing weekend, I was feeling kind of heart broken, realizing sacrificing my creative self for a while was the best thing for my family right now.  As much as I'll miss sewing and creating, I don't have room in my life for it now and the time would be too selfish.  I hadn't told anyone my plan, but felt it was the best choice.

So after I finished my multiple mini desserts, we got to hear Heather Bailey's key note speech to wrap up the conference.  She talked about creativity as a human need.  She suggested even though we're leaving the conference with a lot of inspiration, that we just don't run home and jump into something like start a blog.  She encouraged us to take a while and have a quiet space to decide what we should do--that we shouldn't ruin something in our lives that already works because we're in a hurry.  In the context of her remarks I think she meant you may have huge ideas, but don't let the inspiration lead to a bad choice in the moment of excitement.  But for me, as I sat there, I thought maybe I needed to take a minute to re-evaluate my own situation.  Maybe sewing is something that really works for me and even though it may only be a little here, it's better than nothing.  I hadn't really had any quiet time, but had been so rushed in the few months prior I just decided there was no way I could keep this up.

A friend I had just met that weekend at Sewing Summit was near when I fell apart with the crying snot fest in front of Heather Bailey, and gave me really great advice, telling me "God gave you talents, and if you just kill a dream what will that teach your kids?"  She went on to tell me about her mom and how a lot of valuable lessons to pass on aren't just by playing with toys on the ground every day, but showing your kids what you can accomplish for your own personal fulfillment.  I thought of my own mom and recognized much of my own independence and confidence was learned through her example of constantly learning and growing, and trying new things.  She was a mom but she was also a woman with talents, gifts, and had personal fulfillment.
The night before I met an amazing girl and we didn't get a chance to talk too long, but during our short conversation, I realized how much I've gained from the blogging experience and kind of how you can have an influence or help inspire other people.

The whole Sewing Summit weekend was just an inspiring experience for me to meet and connect with so many other women passionate about sewing, kids clothing, blogging, or just being a tall woman.  I realized other than my mom and sister, I've never really had friends in real life who love sewing and it was so great to feel a part of that network, and to meet the real women behind other blogs I've been inspired by.

So this was my back story leading up to the Heather Bailey melt down and I was glad to have a few hours to drive home that night, thinking about not just what's important and priorities, but more what kind of woman do I want to be.  What kind of woman will my kids consider me to be.  I guess I never connected being a creative person as an attribute that could contribute to helping me be a good mother, but my kids have learned to be creative, or find accomplishment in their own creative pursuits.   I thought how it really makes me happy to create things with my hands and express myself through creative ideas, and it may be something that may not happen very often now, but creativity is something that rejuvenates my spirit.  In the end the thought of sacrificing all my creative outlets for something I thought was better may actually make it harder to be the wife and mom I want to be.

So.
My plan changed.

I haven't figured it out, and don't think I will ever find true balance where I feel everything works the way I would like.  I am just shooting to pass my classes, if I get A's that is a bonus.  I am not a successful blogger, just a woman who likes to make stuff and share it with anyone who would like to check it out.  I'm trying to dedicate my best hours to my family and my church.  So I'm not sure how much will make it on here, but I have the blouse pattern I made for SS that is really close to being ready for release, a whole stack of fabric with ideas I wish I had time to sew, and a new sewing machine I've decided to keep.  I may not post much, but do hope here and there I'll get a minute to make something.  I just concluded I can still contribute something even if I don't post regularly or consistently.  I've felt my blog has experienced a slow death since I became pregnant with Izzie, but it's not quite dead yet.

Thanks so much for all the comments, emails, encouragement, and inspiration I've gained these last 6 years.  It's been a blessing to be able to share things I've created and I appreciate all the relationships that have come through this blog.

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Thank you so much for all your responses!  I didn't expect it and was so blown away by all your support, advice, and understanding.  It's one of those amazing things about blogging and the connections you can make with people you've never met.  Many of your kind comments brought me to tears and were so encouraging.  I think many of you manage much more than I am struggling too, with full time jobs, more than 3 kids, and many of you do have beautiful successful blogs.  So I look up to those who have greater capacity than I currently do.  It seems the common thread we all relate with no matter how much is on our plate is the common understanding of sacrificing and having the creative flame in ourselves.  It's humbling to be able to be part of this grander network of creative women.  Thanks so much.